The Big ONE Year Anniversary

The Summer of 2005 was just grand. I spent it interning in Chicago and it was one of the best times of my life even if it got lonely at times. In order to keep my mind off of being homesick and lonely without my friends and familia, all the lovely people in my life that I hold near and dear came to visit me. They think that they came to visit the gorgeous and best city in the whole United States of America, Chicago, but they really came to visit me, take me out of my loneliness, and experience the greatness that I yapped on and on and on about, or at least that's what they had me thinking. I LOVE Chicago and most of them left loving it too. I could see myself living there forever, but that's another story.

On August 13th, 2005, Mary flew into Chicago to come spend a marvelous 5 days with me and then help me pack and drive back to Texas. Those five days felt like the "Last Hurrah." My roommate, Danielle, came two days later and I can honestly say that those 5 days were the most unforgettable days I have ever had in my life. EVER. Well maybe not EVER, but they sure as hell are right up there with some of my best memories. I not only realized the awesome-ness of Chicago but also the bomb-dot-com quality of my friends (I mean this in all sincerity). I say that this is our Last Hurrah because after this week, both of my friends have been in committed relationships that they are still in today. Yuck! (Why would you give up the life you had before "relationships"?... I'm prejudice about this.) This was a Last Hurrah in another way as well. We had spent all junior year of college getting trashed and drunk from happy hours to 6th street, our newly attained 21-year-old status took our debauchery to new heights and away from frat houses! That's something to be excited about. When they came to Chicago, it felt like a continuation of the year, but this time in a bigger city, and a place where more venues of inebriation were available. Chicago! Chicago! In many ways, it's like Vegas, without the open containers and legalized gambling and prostitution. Not one night did we come home before sunrise, this was quite the novelty experience coming from Texas where bars stop serving at 2:00AM sharp!

On August 14th, Mary and I made, what turned out to be during her 5 day stint, our daily trip to H&M. In Texas, we don't have an H&M so we took full advantage of this opportunity. We had had a blast the night before, an utterly good time and felt our trip to H&M was highly deserved; however, the question throughout the day became: how will we top last night? We honestly thought that this was a near impossible feat. Which at the time and at the previous night's level of debauchery seemed rather impossible. (Sidenote: Many of the details of our Chicago happenings cannot be produced because the three of us firmly stand next to our Chicago mantra, however cliche it may be, What Happens In Chicago, Stays In Chicago.) Nonetheless, Mary was shopping for an outfit to wear that night. She made a purchase and then like real Indians (of the DOT not the FEATHER) we went home and took our daily nap. With partying until 7:00 in the morning, daily naps became essential. We would spend the rest of our afternoons eating foods from all my favorite restaurants that she had heard me rave about and then go site seeing. In order to validate how cultured I really can be, I can categorically say that Chicago has way much more than an active and incredible night life to offer. It has amazing architecture, some of the best museums to date, and some great history lying at every inch of the city in addition to shopping and Oprah. The summer weather in Chicago alone is to die for. Chicago really is magical as Mary proved on numerous occasions during her stay.

Many a times during our trip Mary had me in awe. That night was not any different. We began our night like every other night, pre-partying at the apartment (or in our case my dorm) and choosing our nightly destination with our trusty and handy-dandy friend, metromix.com. Mary and I had made our "going-out" decisions based purely on the information found on metromix.com. Being the Austinites and college students that we are, we tried to go to places that had cheap beer, a fun ambiance, and straight hip-hop booty music. Mary has a booty which she can no doubt shake like a salt shaker and is also why the music is sooo crucial in our decision. That night we decided we could pay cover because we wanted to go to a place that was more "bumpin'" and a little less college. We decided to go to the Gold Coast, aka Rush & Division, which turned out to be an even older crowd than what we had expected.

As we made our way down there, there were only two places that really seemed to have a huge crowd for a Sunday night. Since I had already been to the other place before and found it "Eh," we decided to go to Leg Room instead. As we walked in, we paid our cover, scoped out the place for any lookers (which Chicago severely lacks), and made our way to the bar. The crowd was late-20s, and early-mid 30's. We, the 21 year-olds, felt quite young, actually very young. In order to look pretentious and mainly because we were bored with the yuppie-wanna-be crowd and goldigging crowd surrounding us, we ordered our Miller Lites and traveled around the bar. We were already quite inebriated by the time we even got to the Gold Coast. With about 4 to 5 vodka shots each and my low tolerance, I was already in my state of alcoholic nirvana. Since sitting is hardly an option, I found myself, along with Mary, traveling around the bar, in my more comfortable of heels, thank goodness. As we passed the so-called VIP area, I noticed that the VIP was getting more attention than I'd ever seen any VIP in Austin receive, well this is before I saw Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong out and about in Austin this grand summer of 2006. After blatant staring and many "Ohmygosh, I wonder who it could be-s," I finally saw some girls that were surrounding the VIP move. It was Charles Barkley. It was hard to tell that it was him at first. He wasn't dressed up and after "letting himself go" after his NBA career, he could've literally been incognito for all I knew. Despite the fact that he played for the Suns and the Rockets, I still wanted to meet him. I won't lie, I could barely tell who he was, but with a little bit of alcohol mixed in with my love for celebrities, it was definitely an opportunity I really didn't want to miss and had to jump on. I couldn't believe it, THE Charles Barkley was just mere inches away!

After getting excited about being in the same place as Charles Barkley at the same time as Charles Barkley, Mary and I decided that we were cool and attractive enough to be wanted in VIP (this, unfortunately, was due to our level of inebriation). So in the I-think-I-can-roll-with-celebrities-even-though-I'm-posing sort of way, we start making our trek over to the VIP area. This is when I almost had a hernia. On second thought, I did have a hernia. Some people in the VIP had moved around and that's when I saw him. He was not getting half the attention that he deserved and Mary didn't even know who he was, but I did. I knew. It was America's Team's fast-like-a-bullet running back of all times and Dallas Cowboys' Ring of Honor holder, Emmitt Smith. Oh! How I love thee. Apparently Chicago is NOT Dallas because no one was on Emmitt Smith's jock, well except for me of course. I was getting really hot and bothered and the most excited that I've ever been in a really long time.

Mary was not enthused and did not believe me when I told her that really was in fact Emmitt Smith. She said stupid things like, "Are you sure?" and "How do you know it's Emmitt Smith?" I wanted to smack her across the face at the latter question, but I love her, so I just said, "I'm from fucking Dallas, I love the Cowboys, the one person I could spot in any crowd is Emmitt Smith. Do you know who my mom is? She only gives birth to loyal Cowboys fans! She would be crapping in her pants right now!" Not like seeing my favorite football player could have really been topped at this point, it actually gets better. No shit. He then notices us; ok fine, he notices Mary (that ass of hers is really something). I was of course pissed because she doesn't even know who he is, why the fuck should she get his attention? Well actually, she does know who he is, but she doesn't have the same appreciation or love or adoration that I possess for him. He smiles at us, raises his glass of Don Perion at us, and then waves. I giggle and Mary acts like a complete snob by acting like she gets this kind of attention all the time, which, in her defense, she does. Earlier that summer, the G-Unit entourage sought her out for sexual escapades with Lloyd Banks which she did not pursue due to my adoration and devotion for him. I must admit she is a loyal friend, but you can also see that she is used to black athletes and rappers always giving her attention. She has also been kissed by LL Cool J, but that's another story. She really is a MaluPrincess when it comes celebrities or black guys. You can be the judge of that.

By this time I'm thinking, Now my mind is working. The alcohol is doing wonders. It makes me invincible. With this notion, I make my coy way to the "bathroom" which "coincidentally" happens to be right next to the VIP. As we head that way and we come out of the bathroom, Emmitt Smith is right next to the bathroom entrance and fate could not have made this any easier for me even if it tried. Seriously. We walk by him and as we are about to pass him, the thoughts of my mom shunning me and disowning me for not grabbing the opportunity to talk to Emmitt Smith when receiving the chance crossed my mind. I didn't want to be disowned! I had to do something! So, I tap him on his shoulder and spurt out, "My friend wants to do you." He then takes the back of Mary's head, leans in and gives her a kiss! A KISS. Can you believe it? I should've said, "I want to do you!" Needless to say, it was one of the few times in my life when I was actually jealous.

Nonetheless, being the attention-hungry human being that I am, I took the attention away from Mary, centered it to me and began my firing of multitudes of questions to Emmitt. He and I were officially homies by this point in the evening so I was at liberty to call him Emmitt. I began with telling him that I am originally from Dallas and that I am a huge Cowboys fan. I even was drunk enough to tell him that he lived in Pensacola, with his wife, children and mother. He went to UF and that he should have been embarassed of himself for making that stupid gator sign with his arm. He said that most people don't know that about him, but I confirmed his suspicions that I'm not most people. Obviously. He said the swamp was fun and I said, "Yeah for The Crocodile Hunter." That made me laugh, my joke that is. "Florida is for geezers and hurricanes," as my dad would say. I also told him my mom would be soo jealous of me right now and to that he so blatantly commented, "Does your mom look anything like you?" with a creepy-sexual look in his eye. The next 30 minutes or so were some of the most memorable minutes in my life. The following is a recount of what I remember and the only funny parts of our conversation. It does not in any way portray the full account of our conversation.

Mamta: So what are you doing in Chicago?
Emmitt: I'm looking to invest in financial real estate investment. Ya know? It's about money and stuff, not something you got to worries about girl. Ya know?
Mamta: Yeah. Is this what you're doing now that you're retired? You know you were a traitor when you left for the Cardinals? I was sad and I'm a business finance student at the University of Texas. [said with a "jack ass, I'm not trying to get inside your pants just because I love you" intonation]
Emmitt: Well what can you do. I hurt my knee so it doesn't matter too much. I'm retired now, you know. You a business girl? So what business are you girls doing tonight?
Mamta: I can't believe you retired, you're such a sissy. [I ignored the other question very apparently] One knee injury and you're out... if you ask me, you still have a couple of good years in you. You're just being a cop-out.

Mamta: So, do you still live in Pensacola? [probably the most stalker question I asked]
Emmitt: Yeah.
Mamta: Where are your Super Bowl rings? Why aren't you wearing them?
Emmitt: All that bling weighs me down. [points to his diamond stud earrings and watch] This bling is heavy enough as it is.
Mamta: So since you have like 3 Super Bowl Rings, can't you just give me one? Let me wear your watch, c'mon.
Emmitt: I'd let you wear one if I had them with me. I leave that at home, it's just too much bling and homegirl, I don't want that bling to fade, I keeps it at home. [isn't Emmitt a character?]

Emmitt: So what are you girls doing tonight? You want to come hang out with us?
Mamta: Don't you have a wife and three children?
Emmitt: Yeah.... so what are you up to tonight?
Mamta: Do you cheat on your wife regularly? Don't your vows mean anything to you?
Emmitt: [just keeps smiling and looking creepy-sexual]
Mamta: You're a pansy.
Emmitt: Well...[he just keeps smiling with a goofy look on his face mixed with a hinge of seductive pedophile.... Michael Jackson-esque]
Mamta: [Mary keeps nudging me because she's bored and doesn't want to talk to Emmitt any longer, or more like watch me talk to Emmitt any longer] Well, we're going to go, it was nice meeting you.
Emmitt: So what are you girls doing tonight? We're going to leave soon...so [I guess] we'll meet you outside in 20 minutes. [this is not a question, but more rather a statement to the girls in front of him (us) who he believes are groupies....yeah, Emmitt thinks I'm a groupie!!!!!]

Needless to say, I love Emmitt Smith and all, or I would not have remembered the one year mark of the day on which I met him, but I have principles (or so I would like to think) and I will not go home with a married man. I would hate to be his wife and even worse the "other woman," or in Emmitt's case "one of his many women." Mary didn't even give two shits about Emmitt Smith so she definitely didn't even contemplate the idea of going home with him that night. I won't lie, Emmitt Smith wanted this milkshake (hahaha) and I did not succumb (which wasn't as hard of a decision as I make it sound), but I am still really jealous that Mary kissed him, extremely jealous. I mean I wouldn't go make out with Cedric Benson, the love of her football life, even if I had the chance. August 14th, 2005 will go down in history as by far one of the most memorable days of my life. I finally got to meet my favorite football player of all times who also turned out to be one of the most despicable and dishonorable men I have ever met. I have now lowered my standards on celebrities having any moral principles, but commend the ones that do. Emmitt Smith, don't worry, you're still my favorite football player, well until Vince Young kicks ass in the NFL. I got his back, I mean I hung out with him before he became big. So you know, you gotta keep it gangsta and you definitely have to keep it real. You have given me many a good games and a childhood full of nothing but Dallas Cowboys domination of the NFL. Thank you. Even though you're short and not attractive, the next time you meet me, please kiss me. I can't let Mary feel that she has one up on me. It's just too hard to bear.